In mid-February, 1979, Mom had requested a visit from Terry Crist, the minister of our church. He admired Mom’s Elvis Presley decorations which were throughout our house. Then, Mom and I listened intently as Terry read to us several passages from the Bible. These passages explained how we could rest securely in the knowledge that, after death, we would be spending eternity in Heaven with God. After Terry left, we assessed the conviction of our hearts and decided to fully accept God’s great gift of salvation. It was all we could do to wait for Dad to get home from work late that evening so that he could share in the joy of our baptism.

 
Rising from the baptismal waters, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I knew that my sins had been forgiven and that the Holy Spirit was dwelling within me. I had confidence that if I passed away in my sleep that night, I would have an address in heaven. All I could think about was how my life had been changed. I wondered what the future would hold.

 
The next several years, I strove to live my life in a manner that I believed would make God proud of me. Yet, over time, it became obvious that something was missing in my life. Despite my efforts to live as a Christian, I was not sensing the presence of a living God working in and through my life. I wondered, “where was God’s guidance?” The words I read in the Bible were no longer spiritually feeding me. My prayers started feeling like they were just one more part of my daily routine; they lacked purpose and expectation. I began to doubt the very existence of God. This impression only intensified during my first couple of years as a music student in college. When a sincere adult leader from one of Butler University’s campus ministries spent an hour with me in my dorm room trying to convince me that the salvation approach taught in my local church was wrong, I became particularly conflicted. During my junior year, I decided it was time to officially label myself an agnostic. I could no longer decide whether God was real or not. So, to continue living the life of a Christian would be a lie. I could see what seemed to be evidences of God’s power working in other people’s lives; but, I could not sense Him at work in mine. The resulting loss of hope permeated other aspects of my life as well. I became increasingly cynical in my relationships with other people. The level of patience I had for dealing with family and co-workers plummeted significantly. My musical studies sought (but never managed) to fill my life’s spiritual void. This agnostic and pessimistic attitude would last for over a decade.

 
Upon graduating from college, I became a freelance musician — specifically, a trombonist and low brass instructor. In the mid-1990’s, a band camp staff, of which I was a part, got into a late-night religious discussion. A variety of views were shared. The band director said that if there was some sort of creator or great spirit out there — which seemed to be his position — this entity was not directly involved in people’s lives. I responded by explaining why I believed that if there was such a “great spirit,” He would have had to be the God found in and described throughout the Bible. However, my agnostic views wouldn’t allow me to decisively acknowledge such a spirit. One of the other staff members, a firm believer in Jesus Christ, later told me that he had been perplexed by my arguments that night. He wondered how someone could possess such a clear, Biblical understanding of God and, yet, be plagued by so many doubts regarding His existence.

 
The Billy Graham crusade came to Indianapolis in the summer of 1999. For curiosity’s sake, I attended one of the main sessions (geared towards youth) with Mom. It was quite a sight to watch thousands of people — young and old alike — come forward during the time of invitation. I even felt a strong tug in my heart calling me to come forward. But, I remained in my seat. After all, I desired to possess a genuine, solid faith brought about by proof, not a fickle faith produced by a purely emotional response to an eloquent Gospel sales pitch.

 
Later that year, Mom asked me to attend a revival at the church where her membership was currently placed. Interestingly, the revival’s evangelist was Terry Crist. Things I heard during this revival compelled me to determine once-and-for-all whether the God of the Holy Bible was fact or fiction. I was tired of being a “fence sitter.” Since I didn’t feel that any human discussions could prove God’s existence to my satisfaction, I went directly to the source. For the next month, I prayed vehemently to God, asking Him to reveal Himself to me so that I could acknowledge and worship Him and share God’s message with others. I read the Bible every spare moment, challenging God to speak to me through His printed Word. I figured that if I showed Him my most diligent effort to get to know Him that He would reveal Himself to me in a way I could and would understand. Yet, with a silence that constantly fed the fuel of my doubts and depression, no discernible response came.

 
After a few weeks, I was ready to give up. A great sadness enshrouded me. I wanted so desperately to believe that God had truly sent His Son for me, just like the Bible said. But, I felt betrayed by God. The Bible states that if a person seeks Him, that person will find Him. [See Matthew 7:7 and I Chronicles 28:9.] Why was He ignoring me? It didn’t make sense, unless, of course, the God of the Bible didn’t truly exist or He did not want me to find Him.

 
As I was just a few seconds away from returning my Bible to what I figured would be its permanent resting spot on the bookshelf, something made me open the Bible one final time. Approaching the Scriptures with an attitude of hopelessness, I was suddenly overcome by hope. God’s printed words were speaking directly to my heart and mind. I was now inspecting the words of the Bible like a man who was obsessed with finding the long lost truth about his life. I started asking questions as they came to my mind. Randomly viewed passages started to shed light on some of the questions that had been plaguing me. His will for me was once again becoming clear. I stopped reading for the night when I came to a passage warning me not to tempt God.

 
That night, I asked God to forgive me for my lack of trust in Him for those many years and I rededicated my life to Him. I also embarked on a new journey: a journey of faith. God has set upon my heart the desire to explore what constitutes genuine faith and through what provisions such faith is granted by God. I study the impact of denominational, emotional, and intellectual influences upon faith. However, I strive to maintain humility — a constant struggle — in my approach. Now that I am certain that there is a God, I must continue to remind myself that I am not Him. I pray daily that I will always accept God’s sovereignty in my life. Even when I don’t sense His presence at work in my life, I seek to serve Him wholeheartedly. When I am going through periods in my life where I am confused about where He is leading me to serve, I strive to be patient, make God-pleasing decisions and take each day as it comes.

 
In 1979, I had received the gift of the Holy Spirit. Even during my agnostic years, I could not dismiss the memory of that powerful experience. Yet, God allowed my heart and mind to be plagued with doubts all those years. Why did God wait for this particular moment to speak in such a direct way to me? I wondered why God had allowed me to feel so alone for such a long period of time.

 
I no longer believe that God had abandoned me. Rather, I had given up on him. I would only accept God if He acted in accordance with my expectations. I was essentially tempting God. I would believe that God was the God of the Bible if and only if He agreed to meet my criteria — some form of absolute proof. However, God requires faith. [See Ephesians 2:8.] The Christian life only works when individuals are willing to obediently trust in God. When I stopped seeking God on my terms (i.e. gave up), His Word started speaking to me and feeding me Spiritually. My state of mind was now better suited to be able to understand and accept God’s will for my life.

 
Through this process, I have learned that reading God’s word in an attempt to get my way is selfish and spiritually unprofitable. God’s wisdom is infinitely greater than mine. Therefore, I need to be patient, always waiting for and trusting in God’s guidance. I cannot tell God when and what to do. I must strive to accept God’s control in and of my life, trusting that He will always provide what I need, if not necessarily what I want.