In mid-February, 1979, Mom had requested a visit from Terry Crist, the minister of our church. After admiring the Elvis Presley decorations with which Mom had filled our house, the atmosphere became more serious. Mom and I enthusiastically listened as Terry read to us several passages from the Bible. He explained to us how we could know that, after death, we would spend eternity in Heaven with God. After he left, Mom and I pondered the conviction of our hearts. Both of us were eager to accept this great gift of God's plan for eternal life. It was all we could do to wait for Dad to get home from work late that evening so that he could share in the joy of our baptism.

Rising from the baptismal waters, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I knew that my sins had been forgiven and the Holy Spirit was within me. I knew that if I passed away in my sleep that night, I would have an address in heaven. All I could think about was how my life had been changed. I wondered what the future would hold.

The next several years, I did my best to live my life in a manner that I believed would make God proud of me. Yet, over time, it became obvious that something was missing in my life. I was not sensing the presence of a living God working in and through my life. I wondered, "where was God's guidance?" The words I read in the Bible were no longer spiritually feeding me. My prayers started feeling like they were just one more part of my daily routine; they lacked purpose and expectation. I began to doubt the very existence of God. This impression only intensified during my early college years. By my junior year, I decided to label myself an agnostic. I could no longer decide whether God was real or not. So, to continue living the life of a Christian would be a lie. I could see what seemed to be evidences of God's power working in other people's lives; but, I could no longer see it at work in mine. Although, I couldn't bring myself to accept the theory of evolution in its entirety, I also couldn't fathom how an entity could simply command earth into being. The resulting loss of hope permeated other aspects of my life as well. I became increasingly cynical in my relationships with other people. The level of patience I had for dealing with family and co-workers plummeted significantly. My musical studies sought (but never managed) to fill the spiritual void I felt. This agnostic (and pessimistic) attitude would last for over a decade.

In late 1999, with Mom's encouragement, I attended a revival at the church where she then held her membership. Upon its completion, I was compelled to determine once-and-for-all whether the God of the Holy Bible was fact or fiction. I was tired of being a "fence sitter." Since I didn't feel that any human discussions could prove God's existence to my satisfaction, I went directly to the source. For the next month, I prayed vehemently to God, asking Him to reveal Himself to me so that I could acknowledge and worship Him and share God's message with others. I read the Bible every spare moment challenging God to speak to me through His printed Word. I figured that if I showed Him my most diligent effort to get to know Him that He would reveal Himself to me in a way I could and would understand. Yet, with a silence that constantly fed the fuel of my doubts and depression, no discernible response came.

After a few weeks, I was ready to give up. A great sadness enshrouded me. I wanted so desperately to believe that God had truly sent His Son for me, just like the Bible said. But, I felt betrayed by God. The Bible states that if a person seeks Him, that person will find Him. [See Matthew 7:7 and I Chronicles 28:9.] Why was He ignoring me? It didn't make sense, unless, of course, the God of the Bible didn't truly exist or unless He did not want me to find Him.

No longer expecting to receive a response from God, I half-heartedly opened the Bible one final time. The Bible was just a few minutes away from being permanently returned to its spot on the bookshelf when something wonderful happened. In this final effort, I asked God a specific question. Approaching the Scriptures with an attitude of hopelessness, I was suddenly overcome by hope. God's printed words were speaking directly to my heart and mind. I was now inspecting the words of the Bible like a man who was obsessed with finding the long lost truth about his life. I continued to ask questions as they came to my mind. Miraculously, each randomly selected passage shed light on the particular question at at hand. I stopped reading when I came to a passage warning me not to tempt God.

In 1979, I had received the gift of the Holy Spirit. Even during my agnostic years, I could not dismiss the memory of that powerful experience. Yet, God allowed my heart and mind to be plagued with doubts all those years. Why didn't His words (as recorded in the Bible) call to me until this particular moment? I wondered why God had allowed me to feel so alone.

I no longer believe that God had given up on me. Rather, I had given up on him. I needed to experience a self-directed life (a life away from God) in order to more fully understand and accept the purpose-driven life that God intended for me to have. I wanted God to act in accordance with my expectations. God had to meet my criteria before I would believe that He was the God of the Bible. I felt the need for some form of absolute proof. However, God requires faith. [See Ephesians 2:8.] The Christian life only works when individuals are willingly to obediently trust in God. It was only after I stopped seeking God on my terms that He finally revealed himself to me.

That night, I talked to God, asking Him to forgive me for my lack of trust in Him for those many years. And, I rededicated my life to Him. God is God. I pray that I will never again forget God's sovereignty in my life.

Through this, I have also learned that reading God's word in an attempt to get what I want (or to get my way) is selfish and spiritually unprofitable. God's wisdom is infinitely greater than mine. Therefore, I need to be patient, always waiting for and trusting in God's guidance. I cannot tell God when and what to do. I must accept God's control in and of my life—at least, I need to strive to do this, trusting that He will always provide what I need, if not necessarily what I want.